The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch

Once Upon a Time... A Gardener's Daydream				could not imagine human orbeast snorting and
The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch				shooting this stuff into their bodies. Bynow,
Article by Rich Showalter				Stumpy was deaf and blind. Little Snuffy took his
Copyright Â© 2003 by ProGardenBiz				friendby the whiskers leading him toward the
ProGardenBiz, an online magazine				garden shed. With only
This is a tale of a landscape contractor and his				25 feet to go, Stumpy gave up the ghost, rolling
quiet getawayin the mountains. Now, I'm no				on his backwith his little fat feet pointing toward
gardener myself, but I swear thatthis is the true				the moon, that greatorb of cheese where he
tale as related to me as we relaxed on thefront				would rest for eternity.
porch on one of those long, summer days spent				Snuffy dashed for safety when he heard Russell,
with a coolone and watching our neighbors mow				who had beenattracted by all the noise, coming
their lawns.				out from under our oldriding lawn mower. He
Rachel Louise Carson authored the book "Silent				rattled to himself with unexpectedpleasure as he
Spring" alertingmankind (which includes you				realized his good fortune. Dessert and settlingan
gardeners and landscapers) to thelong term				old score in one gulp!
destructive results of certain pesticides and				Russell would be missed around the ranch. He had
toxicchemicals. From my own personnel				just enteredhis ninth season, helping us to keep
experience and observation, Iwish to add one				the varmit population incheck and scaring the wits
more insidious ingredient to the expanding listof				out of trespassers by hissing andshaking his tail at
dangerous substances polluting our gardens. It is				them.
called				Over the years he survived a blizzard of caliber
"salsa picante" or "salsa muy caliente" (Hot sauce				.223, .38,
to yougringos).				.308, 11 buck, .45, rocks, bottles, bulldozers,
Long, one of the favorite lunch choices of many a				lawnmowers,dunebuggies, and dirt bikes, but it
landscapecontractor and gardener, you may want				was the sauce, disguisedin a FAT MOUSE
to read on... there ismore to that salsa then				BURRITO, that finally got him! He was the
you've been told.				bestsecurity snake I ever had.
An obscure legend suggests that the Aztec God				Elmer, the golden eagle, couldn't believe his good
of Fire capturedthe essence of salsa from the				fortuneeither when he spied Russell from 2,000
bowels of a raging volcano whena high priest				feet. They had grownup together, but were
prayed for a cure to cleanse the Aztec people				mortal enemies knowing that someday oneor the
ofplague sweeping the land. The priest placed a				other would eventually succumb to fangs or
single drop ofsalsa in the food bowl of every				talons.
inhabitant. The plague vanishedfrom the land and				Elmer was suspicious because by this time of the
so did the Aztecs!				morning Russellshould be resting under a rock or
From personal experience, I know better than to				in the wood pile at the backof the garden. Elmer,
touch the stuff				who fancied himself as a hot shot flyer,cut power
(as you will soon see), but my landscape crew				and lowered his flaps as he circled above the
often indulges.				cold,hard body of Russell who was stretched out
I've related this story to them on many a				stiff and rigid onthe lawn, looking like a three foot
landscape job, butthey laugh it off, much like Boy				long rolled taco.
Scouts around the campfirehearing the scary tall				Elmer wasn't as sharp or as aggressive since he
tales. Unfortunately, this tale istrue...				lost theterritorial dispute with the Sheriff's
One Friday night not long ago found us rolling				ASTREA helicopter lastspring. Most of his feathers
toward thefamily diggins in the mountains near				have grown back, but he still hasdizzy spells from
Julian, CA. After a hardweek of building, planting				time to time. Ah, but that is a story initself for
gardens, and irrigating lawns, Iwas ready for a				another time.
relaxing weekend at the ranch... building,planting				Elmer suddenly swooped, throwing caution to the
gardens, and irrigating lawns. After two years				wind, making afast snatch and grab on the rolled
thehouse and surrounding landscaping were nearly				taco that once was a veryhandsome red
half done.				Diamondback buzz tail.
We were almost there when my wife Gerry, the				Twenty minutes later, while cruising at 5,000 feet,
blanket burglar,wanted some Mexican food. She				Elmer'seyes began to cross and a fire suddenly
should have married a Mexicanchef (or gardener				erupted in his tailsection when he began to feel
in my case) because her craving for thestuff is				the full effects of thecombination plate lace salsa.
almost insatiable.				The end came swiftly, as he spun into the lawn
I said, "No."				near the gardenshed. At the last possible second
She replied, "I will invite mother to spend another				he managed to spread his wingsenabling him to
month."				crash land near the riding lawn mower. He toreup
I said, "Oh."				30 yards of grass, leaves, and mud before
"Screeeech."				coming to a haltupside down.
Poor old Cricket, our midget female drip-dry				The impact saved Elmer's life. The force of it
dachshund, was darnnear catapulted through the				knocked the air,
window by a 90 degree turn into				Stumpy, Russell, and salsa right out of him.
"Pancho's Taco Y Salsa" stand.				When Elmer regained consciousness, he managed
Pancho asked me, in broken English, how much				to hobble over tothe pond, with the aid of a
hot sauce I wantedfor the beef and bean burrito.				broken tree branch under one wing,to put out the
I told him a half dozen of thoselittle plastic tubs				fire in his beak.
would be fine. They look like miniature				Coy, the coyote, at first thought he had seen a
"maintenance free" batteries made of the same				meteoritebecause he had never seen an eagle up
materials.				close before. He couldeat anything, and often did
The expression on his face can only be compared				just to survive, but this birdlooked and smelled
to a war moviewhere the pilot of an enemy plane				bad. "Yucka!"
dives out of the sun on thehelpless victim. He put				Elmer threatened to brain him with his tree branch
on a pair of heavy leather gauntlets,welder's				crutch if hecame one paw closer. Coy decided he
helmet, and reached for a pair of long, steel				wasn't THAT hungry anyway.
tongs.				He did an about face, scratching dirt and grass
A lead lined steel box was set in the concrete				from the lawnall over Elmer like any sensible
floor with aradiation alert label on the lid. He				animal covering up a mess,before trotting off
reached in with the tongsand removed six tubs;				across the lawn.
neatly dropping them into my bucket, as				Elmer eventually recovered to become a reborn
I jumped back to avoid flying sparks.				vegetarian andanti-helicopter activist.
On the way out, I glanced over my shoulder at				Mother nature (aided by my gardening skills)
Pancho who wasstenciling a new miniature				required a fullseason to purge the lawn and
American Flag on a board hanging fromthe wall.				garden of the awful evidence thatclaimed two
This guy was an ace many times over, judging				critters and nearly a third. Gerry wanted to
from thenumber of flags that covered the board.				movethe half-completed house to another site, to
I pointed the old Chevy pick-up for the mountains				avoid the large,blackened and charred area of
again with mywindow rolled all the way down, as				dead ground that was now part ofour front lawn.
Gerry, the masochist, tearsstreaming from the				I stood firm, though. Two years of
cherry red eyes, happily munched on herburrito.				constructionworkers tramping back and forth
Cricket had buried herself in a pink asbestos				over our landscaping was enough.
blanket,knowing that a careless spark striking her				Besides, the half-life on salsa is fairly short.
fur coat couldtransform her into a crispy critter in				Meanwhile, yup, back at the ranch, Snuffy
a flash.				adopted a newroommate, Augie and they moved
What happened next was my fault. Normally,				into the newly completedgreenhouse. Gerry
after arriving at theranch, I bury any unused salsa				insisted that the dead area be covered overand
tubs in the open field, six feetunder and 100 yards				the greenhouse was just the thing to bring life
from any living plant or critter. It's theclosest thing				back to thatpart of the landscape. Augie's sort of
to a toxic waste dump in these here parts.				a clutze so theycompliment each other. Rastus,
Ishould have known better because despite many				Russell's cousin, moved into thegarden to take
years as alandscape contractor I have never				over Russell's old job; and Pancho's was closed.
been able to get a lawn, atree, or any kind of				The Fire Chief told Pancho they would let the old
plant or flower to grow on that spot. Ihope the				stand burn tothe ground next time, after putting
critters who make their home here will forgive				down the sixth incendiaryfire in as many months.
mesomeday.				On top of that, the insurance companytore up
When I first saw Snuffy and Stumpy together				Pancho's policy; and the Environmental Protection
they reminded me of				Agency launched an investigation. It was too
Laurel and Hardy. They are a pair of grey field				much for Panchowho returned to the land of his
mice who areroommates sharing the bottom file				ancestors, the Aztecs.
drawer located in the gardenshed. Snuffy was so				And our house? Well, even though we managed
named because he has hay fever all yearlong; and				to cover up thedamage of the salsa
Stumpy for obvious reasons - lost his tail in				environmental attack with a brand
ahunting accident. He was being hunted by Russell				newgreenhouse and refurbished lawn (ain't sod
the rattler atthe time, who misjudged the opening				great!), the houseis still unfinished. Not to worry,
that Stumpy was squeezingthrough. Old Russ was				though, our ranch is a workin progress that takes
pretty sore, having broken his nose andfracturing				me away from the hubbub of my
a tooth with nothing to show for it except an				landscapebusiness... so I can get involved in the
inchof Stumpy's fat tail.				hubbub of doing thesame landscape and
After we settled in and before the pick-up was				construction work for myself that I do forothers
cold, Snuffy, ledby Stumpy, made a thorough				all week long.
inspection of the cab looking fortidbits and scraps				Well, that's the tale. My neighbor is indeed a real
of food.				landscapecontractor with a large grounds
Stumpy was the first to spot the eerie pulsating				maintenance company. I've beento his ranch a
light emanatingfrom the glovebox. Upon inspection,				few times and can confirm that the place
he came across a single tubof salsa that I had				existsas described, greenhouse, lawn, grounds,
forgotten to bury. Being somewhat of aselfish				unfinished house andall. But as he related this
glutton, he tore open a corner of the tub and				story to me, on that hot, summerday, he had a
gulpeddown the whole thing.				strange twinkle in his eye. So, is it true? Ican't say
Too late, he realized he must have gotten into				for sure, but after a chance meeting with Rastus
what the humanscall "a stash." Gasping for air, he				bythe riding lawn mower, I'm willing to believe it.

Sshot Rods

The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch